# The funniest Woody Allen quotes

Death, God, the universe and New Jersey: Woody Allen's best one-liners from his humour books Getting Even, Without Feathers and Side Effects and from his stand-up.

- 198 votes · 13 items
- Feb 22, 2021 · Grace Kelly
- https://even.best/en/l/4943/the-funniest-woody-allen-quotes

## Top 13

1. **It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.** (24 · ▲26 ▼2) — Without Feathers (1975).
2. **Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.** (15 · ▲18 ▼3) — "My Philosophy", in Getting Even (1971).
3. **I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.** (15 · ▲16 ▼1) — Getting Even (1971).
4. **It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.** (14 · ▲17 ▼3) — "My Philosophy", in Getting Even (1971).
5. **Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.** (13 · ▲16 ▼3) — "My Philosophy", in Getting Even (1971).
6. **Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.** (12 · ▲17 ▼5) — "My Philosophy", in Getting Even (1971).
7. **If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.** (9 · ▲11 ▼2) — Without Feathers (1975).
8. **It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.** (8 · ▲9 ▼1) — Side Effects (1980).
9. **What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.** (7 · ▲10 ▼3) — Without Feathers (1975).
10. **Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.** (7 · ▲8 ▼1) — Without Feathers (1975).
11. **The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.** (6 · ▲9 ▼3) — Without Feathers (1975).
12. **What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.** (4 · ▲6 ▼2) — Without Feathers (1975).
13. **I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.** (2 · ▲4 ▼2) — Standup Comic (1999 album of his 1960s stand-up).

How is this ranking ordered? By people's votes: each ▲ adds a point and each ▼ takes one away. Anyone can vote and add what is missing.