The funniest Woody Allen quotes
The top 3 according to 198 votes from people: It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. · Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. · I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.. (Updated Feb 22, 2021.)
Death, God, the universe and New Jersey: Woody Allen's best one-liners from his humour books Getting Even, Without Feathers and Side Effects and from his stand-up.
Top 13
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1
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Without Feathers (1975).
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2
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
"My Philosophy", in Getting Even (1971).
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3
I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Getting Even (1971).
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4
It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.
"My Philosophy", in Getting Even (1971).
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5
Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.
"My Philosophy", in Getting Even (1971).
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6
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
"My Philosophy", in Getting Even (1971).
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7
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Without Feathers (1975).
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8
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Side Effects (1980).
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9
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
Without Feathers (1975).
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10
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Without Feathers (1975).
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11
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Without Feathers (1975).
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12
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Without Feathers (1975).
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13
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Standup Comic (1999 album of his 1960s stand-up).
How is this ranking ordered? By people's votes: each ▲ adds a point and each ▼ takes one away. Anyone can vote and add what is missing.
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